Monday, November 12, 2012

If I can do it then why can't you??

a very inspiring true life story. I read this story at https://www.facebook.com/groups/TheBreastfeedingAdvocatesNetwork/ and I though this story is so worth to be shared with everyone. She is so brave to gone through so much.. and I feel so small after reading her story.. Happy Birthday to her baby.. May God Blessed her and her baby.. enjoy reading and get inspired!!! 

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I've asked Daphne's favor not to tag me as some parts of the content below might be sensitive. By keep reading it, my friends who are also TBAN members will surely know who's the one writing this ;) I don't want to feel sympathized & I'm not trying to be famous here ;)There're just words that I want to tell the mummies (& also daddies?) 'if I can do it then why can't you?'

Today is my girl's 1st birthday that also means I fully BF her until now still keep going.. Okie I admit that I did 
supplemented her diluted FM around 10 times a month during her first 3 months ;p

Oh damn I start sobbing when I try to reminisce the past in order to continue to write..

I joined my M'sian hubby in SG after I graduated. After our wedding in year 2010, soon after that I got pregnant. We're very happy, excited & anticipated so much for the baby arrival. He loved us so much that he could really do anything for me & the baby. Can you imagine for the 1st time I felt like a princess ever since I'm carrying our precious? I was really thankful that I got him to be my better half until.. When I was in my 5th month, he passed away in his sleep..

As usual I woke up to go to the loo, before I could go back to my dream I heard loud snoring. As he usually snores but this time round he's loud, I tried to wake him up I slapped him I thought he got choked by his saliva I propped him up (I didn't realize I'm pregnant & didn't know where did I get the energy haha), he just couldn't respond to me but kept grasping his breath & grabbing my palm. I kept asking him to wake up & telling him not to be scared/worried, darling & Theng Theng are here until we reached the hospital. When the doctor was out from the ER came to me with a kind of look, I knew most probably it could be a bad news & yes indeed it is. I thought we'll grow old together, I even told him I wish to die before him (so that I don't suffer that much :p) I told him if I were to be hospitalized 1 day, he must feed me my favorite food. When my FIL called me back, I just didn't know how to break the news. I just couldn't imagine & believe it. My mind was totally blank until our close friends came to the hospital then finally I 'know' how to cry. Next, when I was at the airport, I got so scared when I saw my IL, I felt it's all my fault that I didn't take good care of him since he's the closest person to me. I failed to be a wife. I should be responsible of it. I shouldn't be forgiven. I told them (while crying) I didn't know what happened, I didn't know why it became like that.. I must stress that I really have good, understanding, matured & open minded IL. So, the postmortem result = coronary artery disease. Many asked, ok all of us including he himself didn't realize he got the disease. His symptoms were those only occurred few times a year that you can easily mistakenly thought you could be under stress that's all.

We worked in the same building. I couldn't take it when I need to be alone without him around. He's so part of my routine everyday. The 1st time I felt the pressure & I told myself I'm not going to stay strong for my career anymore. I tendered I got early release & went back to my parents' in KL. When I was back & before I delivered, I felt like shit everyday. Everyday when I woke up the daylight telling me this's not a dream, you're in the real world. Yes, he has passed away & then I'll keep asking myself why would this happen to us. I supposed to have a happy family! It's mine! it belongs to us! Why did you take him away from us?!

Once I discharged from the hospital, I stay straight at my aunt's. She's an experienced babysitter but she knows little about BF. I myself, I know ok after gave birth I'll
breastfeed (very determine that type) I bought pump I bought nursing cover I bought nursing pillow I read BF book/info but I didn't know there's TBAN otherwise I wouldn't have bought many bottles & different sizes of teats! :S So I BF my baby the 1st day the 2nd day but when the 3rd day came, she cried every 2 hours & the nurse brought her to me & told me she's hungry again & that started to make me feel I didn't have enough milk for her! I had no choice but gotta signed the paper to allow them feed her FM. Felt so guilty, start crying as the nurse also scared me that if I didn't get to pee without the cathedral they won't discharge me! This's another unnecessary stress besides I thought I've no milk. Luckily I finally get to go back home.

When I was at home, I took care of the baby alone in the room at night. Whenever she cried I DL her, the 1st night at home I DL her from 8pm till the next day 6am! I thought whenever she cried means she needs milk so I just kept DL & never check what had actually gone wrong. It was tough in the 1st few months for me. Imagine she was born 3.33kg but she's only 3.4 when fullmoon. I kept worrying if I starve her. Ok story cut short, family is BF friendly but they're also of opinions that if I don't have enough BM then I must supplement, can't leave a hunger baby alone right? They also kept asking me to pump & let them feed the baby so that we can assure baby has enough & I myself have enough rest. Ok.. Ok.. So I took out the pump & started to read the manual on how. BM yield result was not good & encouraging at all. I got like mmm.. 5ml for both breasts (I didn't massage them before & during pumping, very stupid, just sat there & let the pump does its work). I've a friend just gave birth a month ahead of me, the more we compare our BF/parenting tips the more I felt I was abnormal. I was totally very worried & sad. Everyday I looked for info on why what happened how to increase BM etc. Yeah I'm stubborn. I don't know that until my hubby told me previously, I thought I'm just trying to do what I can do until my last breath. One day while I was browsing babycenter.com there I came across TBAN, that's already my 2nd month. Read from there about Dr Koh. I know my aunt will not agree I visit her (as all the LC will say the same -> keep DL) so I went to see Dr Koh secretly. On the day I supposed to visit my gynae for postnatal check up, I bluffed that I got my menses so I detoured to see Dr Koh since I heard many says she's good. Luckily I saw her otherwise I wouldn't know I've Mastitis! So was on antibiotic & domperidone to increase BM. During CNY, maybe I was not hardworking in pumping (only DL), my supply dropped. During that period, I bought Gina's book & finished reading it very fast. I felt that I must see her so again I bluffed that I want to visit a friend with baby. I brought my baby & pump along to Gina's. ^^

After about 4 months resting at home, I got an interview. They required me to start work like the next week! When I reached home, I cried during the shower. I felt like oh no I've to be away from my baby, I felt like she's being taken away from me.
It's not easy to be in my current role though it's sort of admin work. Working in a big organization ya they do support BF, we've the facility in the office but they're not 'fully supportive' I would say (if they're TBAN members then they'll know why I'm talking like this) as they do have restrictions on me. Many of them said I'm strong but they don't know when & where I cried or rather I don't have the time to think about the sad things at all after the baby arrival! & do you know how hard it is to stay strong? For myself, only time can heal.

My baby will turn to a toddler from tomorrow onwards & I still feel reluctant to stop BF her although with the obstacles that I'm facing.. Again, after reading the above -> if I can do it then why can't you?

At last, not to forget I wanna say a BIG thank you to all the people that have helped (in whatever ways) us gone & still going through..

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